The holidays come with a lot of expectations and high standards. As a parent, I want to create the best experience for my kids. A lot of this year is spent riding the Polar Express, visiting Phipps Lights displays or going to the Kennywood Holiday Lights, and I know I am not alone in this.

We imagine meaningful moments. Warm family gatherings. Peaceful traditions. Joyful connection. A season that feels magical instead of exhausting.

But for many people, the reality looks vastly different.

Plans change. People or events disappoint us. Family dynamics resurface. Budgets get tight. Grief feels heavier. And instead of joy, we’re left feeling let down, frustrated, or quietly sad.

If this resonates with you, hear this first: You’re not ungrateful. You’re human.

Why Holiday Disappointment Hurts So Much

Disappointment is painful because it usually isn’t about the event itself; it’s about what we hoped it would represent. We are upset because the plans we made may not have been just for ourselves; they were for others in our lives, like our partners or kids, and when things fall apart, we feel like we failed them.

We’re not just upset about cancelled plans, awkward gatherings, or gifts that didn’t get the reaction we hoped for. We are grieving the effort, the connection, and the version of the holiday we imagined would heal something.

Now sprinkle in some holiday stress, fatigue, and overstimulation to the mix, and even minor disappointments can feel overwhelming. This is why December can be emotionally heavy, especially for people who care deeply.

The Pressure to “Just Be Grateful”

When disappointment shows up, we’re often met with messages like:

• “At least you have…”

• “Others have it worse.”

• “Just focus on the positives.”

While well-intentioned, this kind of thinking can lead to toxic positivity, the belief that gratitude should erase pain. Recently, I was complaining to someone close to me about the issue I was facing. It wasn’t a big deal, but I needed to vent to someone and wanted to get it off my chest. They responded with, “That sounds like a first-world problem.” While that may be true, it still felt dismissive in that moment. I wasn’t looking for someone to solve it; I just needed space to be heard and reminded that it was okay to feel disappointed.

Genuine gratitude doesn’t dismiss disappointment. It makes space for it.

You can be grateful and disappointed at the same time. The two are not mutually exclusive; one does not cancel out the other.

Why Gratitude Feels Hard During the Holidays

Every commercial on TV shows happy families gathering, unwrapping gifts, smiling and being joyful. It makes it almost sinful not to be happy during the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year!” You might feel like you are being a “Scrooge.” How dare we feel upset, frustrated and disappointed during the holidays? But let's be honest, it happens. Gratitude becomes difficult when:

• expectations are unmet

• effort isn’t reciprocated

• boundaries are ignored

• loss or grief is present

• you’re emotionally depleted

And forcing gratitude in these moments often creates guilt rather than peace, further souring the mood.

This is where we need to shift the narrative from performing gratitude to practicing honest gratitude.

Handling Disappointment with Grace (Not Suppression)

Grace doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay; that is toxic positivity. It means responding to reality with compassion, for yourself and others. Here’s how to do that in a healthy way:

1. Name the Disappointment

Before you can move forward, you have to acknowledge what didn’t meet your expectations. You must name it to tame it.

Ask yourself:

• What did I hope for?

• What am I actually feeling right now?

Naming the disappointment reduces its emotional grip. It helps activate your prefrontal cortex and shift you from your emotional brain to your logical, inquisitive brain.

2. Separate the Moment from the Meaning

Often, we assign meaning to disappointing moments:

• “They don’t care.”

• “I don’t matter.”

• “This always happens.”

Pause and ask:

Is this situation painful, or am I adding a story that makes it heavier?

This simple awareness can soften the emotional response. We all have a strong negativity bias, and we will make mountains out of molehills if we let our brains spiral downwards. Stop the spiral by asking the right questions, like what is fact and what is fiction.

3. Practice “Gentle Gratitude.”

This is a concept I use often in my coaching, especially when gratitude feels forced. Gentle gratitude isn’t about finding silver linings. It’s about noticing small, neutral truths:

• “I got through today.”

• “I set one boundary.”

• “I rested when I needed to.”

These moments still count. I often ask my clients who have children, “Did you keep your children alive today?” Great, that is a huge win, they were fed, clothed and loved. Give yourself credit for the work it takes not just to keep yourself going but also to keep others going.

4. Adjust Expectations Mid-Season

It’s okay to rewrite the holiday script. Holidays breed people-pleasing and trying to keep up with others' expectations, not just our own. Consider simplifying traditions, skipping events, changing gift expectations or creating new rituals.

Let go of the version of the holiday you thought it should be and make room for what supports you now.

Instead of hosting another large holiday party as I have in the past, I am trying something new this year: a Christmas Cleanout party. The weekend after New Year's, when things start to return to “normal,” I want everyone to bring their leftovers and share their holiday stories. If you have a half-eaten pie or two dozen cookies you want out of your house, bring them; don’t bake anything new. Have a crazy story to share? Let's hear it. It is a super chill last hurrah to close out the holidays.

5. Extend Grace to Yourself First

If you’re disappointed, exhausted, or emotionally tender, that’s not a failure; that’s a signal. A signal to slow down, to release pressure and to choose compassion over criticism. Grace starts with how you speak to yourself.

You are only one person, and I am sure you want to make this a magical, happy season. We want everything to be Pinterest-perfect. But most of us aren’t paid influencers; we’re parents, professionals, caregivers, business owners, and humans juggling a lot. We do not get paid to make our homes look magazine-ready.

When Gratitude Is Hard, Let It Be Honest

Gratitude isn’t about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about noticing what’s real, meaningful, and supportive, even when life doesn’t look how we imagined.

Sometimes gratitude looks like:

• honoring your feelings

• choosing rest

• saying no

• letting go

And sometimes the most grateful thing you can do… is stop forcing yourself to feel differently than you do. Embrace how you feel, face it head-on, name it, and make the next best move you can.

Don’t Burn Yourself Out

If your holidays don’t match the picture you had in your head, you’re not doing it wrong. You’re responding to real life with real emotions in a very human season. Handling disappointment with grace doesn’t mean avoiding pain. It means meeting yourself with kindness and choosing what truly nourishes you. And that alone is something worth being grateful for.

Additional Resources:

If you need help this season with de-stressing, you can download our Free Stress Reduction Tool-kit here - https://lifeforcewellness.com/stress-tool-kit.

If you need more assistance, such as someone to coach you through the chaos, we are here for you with certified wellness and stress-management coaching. Message us to learn more.